I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
