i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
