based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
