Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
