and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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