wrigley field is MILF paradise
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
