dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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