The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize