I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
