I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
