my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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