I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
