I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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