how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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