Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
