I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
