Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
