We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
