I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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