my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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