you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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