Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
did i walk over a car last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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