My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
