I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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