The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
