I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
