i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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