So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize