I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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