don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
