I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
