2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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