peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
