To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
