How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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