I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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