ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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