By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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