New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
