I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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