someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had sex bonerless
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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