Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
