some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
