i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
