dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
