Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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