it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
