this beer tastes like vomit already
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
