I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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