Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am one with the molecules
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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