hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
