Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
