Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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