I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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