i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
