I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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