ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Still dying that you shit outside
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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