so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
