how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
