and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
