She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
