yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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